Fearing Death Gives Us Permission to Live
A small goal of mine over the past couple of years has been to read more. Since I was young, I have always enjoyed getting lost in a good story, but over the years, reading has often been pushed to the side for other hobbies and time-consuming interests.
As I’ve attempted to rekindle my relationship with books, most of my reading now consists of music biographies and the occasional self-help book. I tend to cater to the music stuff, as that’s what I get sucked into the most quickly, but I’ve also read a handful of “life” books that I really enjoyed.
Most recently, I read Mark Manson’s infamously popular The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck. In short, the book is a personal and humor-infused dissertation on self-discovery amid prioritizing your values. Manson’s blunt observations and personal anecdotes project brutal honesty and vulnerability. His methods of calling out valuable life lessons are wildly entertaining.
In grand fashion, the last chapter of the book is dubbed “…And Then You Die.” You can probably sense what it’s about.
The chapter begins with a dark recount of Manson’s friend Josh, who died in a drowning accident when Manson was 19-years old. Manson notes how perhaps the worst moment of his life, wound up being the most transformational.
Below is a passage from this part of the chapter:
Death scares us. And because it scares us, we avoid thinking about it, talking about it, sometimes even acknowledging it, even when it’s happening to someone close to us.
Yet, in a bizarre way, death is the light by which the shadow of all of life’s meaning is measured. Without death, everything would feel inconsequential, all experience arbitrary, all metrics and values suddenly zero.
What Manson is alluding to here is humans’ eternal fear of death. It exists in all of us, whether we want to acknowledge that fear or not. Thinking about the end of our life is terrifying. And whenever someone in our internal or external bubble dies, it reminds us of life’s fragility and that we never truly know when our time to go will come.
Our fear of death makes it an uncomfortable subject to talk about. I spent more time dwelling on this portion of Manson’s book compared to any other chapter. I’ve certainly thought about my death in a passive manner, but this time, I sat down and deeply reflected on what kind of impact my death would have if I died today.
What would people say about me? How would I be remembered? What kind of legacy would I be leaving behind?
Later in Manson’s book, he describes a scenario on a cliff in South Africa. At this time in his life, he’s been traveling the world in search of meaningful experiences, and his latest venture has led him to the Cape of Good Hope, where he finds himself looking out upon the Indian Ocean and a seemingly endless horizon. He walks you through his current state of mind and what he is thinking, in which he’s posing all of life’s “What if this is it?” type questions.
He inches closer and closer to the cliff’s edge, his anxiety increasing with every step. The hairs on your skin stand up and your heart pumps for his safety — it’s a downright chilling story. When he finally backs off the cliff, he comes away with a life-changing revelation.
(To clarify, this is not an endorsement for standing on cliffs and putting yourself in a position to be a micro-misstep from your actual death, but there is something extremely important to be taken away from Manson’s actions.)
When he put himself on the literal verge of dying, his ultimate realization is this:
“Confronting the reality of your own mortality is important because it obliterates all the crappy, fragile, superficial values in life.”
Small and pointless problems derail our sanity. We let them affect our moods, how we treat other people and the way we go about our days. Maybe it isn’t such a big deal that the barista spelled your name wrong on your drink or that another driver cut you off on the way to work or that your friend made a judgy comment about your outfit. Ultimately, none of these things will have anything to do with the mark we make.
After we are gone, our legacy is all that remains. We will be remembered for our personal qualities and how we impacted the people and world around us.
It is okay to fear death. We should fear it. The reality of life is that death comes to us all. When it does, all that will be left behind is your legacy.
The blessing in your life right now is that you get to ask this question of yourself in the present tense.
“What will my legacy be?”
Being aware of the inevitability of death gives us permission to live and initiate positive change in our lives.
If you are struggling to make a change in your life, look in the mirror and ask yourself how you want to be remembered.
How does that make you feel?
